I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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