You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
