it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
