i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
