first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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