he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
