Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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