dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
