You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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