guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
