Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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