We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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