goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
