So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
