did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
