Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
