how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
