So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
