i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
