you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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