the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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