btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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