when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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