i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
