Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Fuck me I smell like cheese
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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