I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
