O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
