listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
