Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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