youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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