He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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