hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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