one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
