Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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