my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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