OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
