yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
