The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
