wakey wakey hands off snakey
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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