I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
