That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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