College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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