Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
