Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
