She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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