Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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