I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
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he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
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Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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