i wish my penis had a tongue
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
