If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
