I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
it's like heaven, but drunker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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