I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
be right there i have to get my cape
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
