I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My penis needs a shock collar
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
