Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
