you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That was an excessively violent trivia night
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
