dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
