I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
