Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
