two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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